31 October , 1981

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He was meant to be going overseas. Meant to be finding allies, looking for ways to subvert the werewolves away from Voldemort. Remus knew that what they were really doing was trying to keep him as separate from the rest of the Order as possible. Knowledge that hurt, certainly, but he could understand. To a point.

That point being the fact that his best friends for years seemed to believe it, too.

He was, however, running late for his ferry. It would attract less attention than magic, but it meant he really did need to be moving. He'd forgotten some books at the Order's main house, which meant he had to run back to get them.

It was why he was there when the news came in about the attack on Godric's Hollow. Everybody was talking and running around at the same time, trying to decide what to do. Remus, on the other hand, ducked into the bathroom and plugged the sink, running water into it as he searched through his pockets. He pulled out a lock of hair, brushing his thumb over it before he took out his wand to do the scrying spell, dropping the lock into the water. Once he had the location, he grabbed up the lock, breaking the spell. Then he apparated.

He arrived in Godric's Hollow, unsurprisingly. Remus looked around, then started as he finally saw who he was looking for. "Sirius!"

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[grimbiker]

Sirius couldn't say how long he'd been standing there. After handing the motorcycle to Hagrid and seeing that Harry was safe with him, he went inside the broken house to see what he had done. They were both dead. James's glasses were broken. Lily's bright eyes were dull. There, holding the man who had been his best friend, the tears finally came and with it a sudden resolve.

Grabbing his wand tightly Sirius had charged out of the house, lingering in the doorway as he considered where to being his search. To say it was hard to think would be an understatement. Memories came filtering through his mind, first in flashes and then longer and clearer. The four of them happy, back in school. James and Lily's wedding. Harry's birth. And Peter-- he was always there laughing with them. Laughing at them.

Murderer.

By the time Remus arrived Sirius's face was still pale from shock but he shook with rage. When he heard the crack of apparation Sirius instinctively turned his wand on Remus. He froze for a moment. His grey eyes widened. The trembling of his hand grew more pronounced when he lowered his wand.

"Moony." Sirius's voice was harsh and threatened to break. "It wasn't me. It wasn't. Peter--"

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Sirius had never raised his wand to Remus before. He brought his own up, hand turned for defense, not attack. But Remus was damned good. It could turn to attack if he had to.

He really, really hoped it wouldn't turn to an attack.

"What happened?" He hadn't heard everything. He'd needed to find Sirius first. Then he glanced up, his own face going pale. "Oh Merlin. James and Lily?"

And Peter. What was it about Peter?

[grimbiker]

Sirius's wand was by his side now but his grip tightened. He looked away from Remus. His silence spoke for him.

Finally, Sirius swallowed his sob. Of course Remus didn't know. He thought, if he was here then... but he didn't.

"Harry--" His voice was raw with emotion despite his efforts to push the pain aside. But it was overwhelming and all encompassing. It tore at his last threads of sanity even as he tried to cling to them. "He's alive."

But the others...

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Remus stared a moment, looking to the smoke rising from the house before he looked back to Sirius. "What...what did you do, Sirius?"

Because Sirius had been their secret keeper. Everybody knew that.

[grimbiker]

There it was. The doubt and suspicion, everything he had directed toward Remus was now reflected back at himself. Except this time there was proof. There was reason. What did Sirius have? What did he ever have? Nothing. Remus was never the traitor. He would never betray them. How could Sirius think...

What did he do? He'd betrayed his lover. He'd killed his friends. Orphaned his godson. Ruined all their lives.

The wand fell from Sirius's hands and he soon followed, collapsing onto his knees.

"I told him-- James-- Merlin, it's all my fault. I told him to switch. Peter..." This was something his mind could latch onto. Revenge. Everything else was lost to him but this one chance to avenge his friends.

His gaze hardened and there was a wild look in his eyes. Still looking ahead, somewhere in front of Remus's feet, he grasped blindly for his wand.

"I told them to switch to Peter. He killed them and now--" His hand clasped his wand. No one had seen Sirius like this before. The Black madness, dormant for all these years, had at last surfaced. "I'm going to kill him."

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They'd been fighting a war for years. Which was why Remus was enough on the ball to flick the hand without his wand. "Accio wand," he announced, meaning to pull Sirius' wand from his hand.

He didn't know what Sirius was going to do. But taking his wand limited what Sirius COULD do, at least magically. "Sirius. Sirius, no. You can't kill him."

Oh Merlin. If Sirius was right...and what reason did he have to disbelieve him? It was the smart thing to do. Everybody knew that Sirius would be James' secret keeper. So it would have been smarter to use somebody else.

[grimbiker]

The wand flew out of Sirius's grip. When Sirius finally looked up at Remus his eyes were devoid of any warmth. He sprang to his feet and lunged for Remus, grabbing at his clothes.

"He killed them!" He roared. "He sold them out and handed them to Voldemort! He destroyed everything. I'm going to murder the rat!"

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"And who will believe you?" Remus shouted back, grabbing Sirius' arms and pulling him closer. He couldn't apparate them both like this. He needed Sirius to calm down and not fight him. "If you kill Peter, who can corroborate your story? Everybody thinks you're the secret keeper, Sirius. How is it going to look if Peter's dead and you're the only one left standing?"

[grimbiker]

"I don't care!" Sirius nearly screamed. He wrenched his arms away from Remus. "I don't care! James and Lily are dead! Go in there." Sirius pointed at the house. "Look at them! Look at them and then tell me you don't want him dead!"

Sirius's chest heaved with every breath and he gasped for air after his outburst. That didn't stop him from suddenly reaching for his wand.

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"You think I don't care that they're dead?" Remus grabbed for Sirius' hand, closing his own tight on it. It wasn't the full moon yet, but it wasn't the new moon, either. He had the strength to throw Sirius off, at least for a little while. "Sirius, we need to leave. We need to get away from here before the rest of the Order comes down on this place. If they find you here, they'll send you to Azkaban."

He couldn't take that. James and Lily were dead. Peter was apparently a traitor. He clutched at Sirius' arm. Sirius was all he had left.

[grimbiker]

Sirius paused. With Remus's hand over his own his words finally managed to sink in.

He had assumed that he was on his own. There was nothing left to live for with James and Lily gone. Hagrid had taken his godson under Dumbledore's orders. Peter was a traitor. Remus...

Remus still needed him.

Sirius opened his mouth to speak-- an apology, an explanation, but whatever it might have been neither of them found out. He choked and buried his face in Remus's shoulder.

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Remus pulled Sirius close, reaching up to stroke his fingers through the other man's hair for a moment before he murmured the apparation incantation.

He didn't take them back to the Order's house. Instead, they appeared in a shabby but tidy living room. There actually wasn't much there at all. But Remus made do. "We should be safe enough here for a little while."

[grimbiker]

Sirius stepped back. He ran a hand through his hair. Everything was still unfocused but clarity was slowly dawning on him. It seemed that Remus holding him and soothing him was all he needed to return from madness. Reason though, was hard to come by when he was in the man's arms. It was too easy to fall back into old ways and pretend that today had been nothing more than a nightmare. Too tempting to let Remus continue to hold him and forget about their worries. Sirius couldn't allow that. He owed James, Lily, and Harry more than that.

"We have to find him, Remus, before he goes too deep into hiding. We can explain later but we have to find him."

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Remus wouldn't have allowed them to act as though nothing had happened. Because it obviously had and they needed to deal with it.

He just had to keep Sirius calm and focused enough to realize what that was.

"We will," he promised., reaching out to place his hand on Sirius' arm. "I swear, we will. But we need you to be cleared first. And that means we need to go to Dumbledore." He took out his wand, pointing it at the potbelly stove to start the fire inside it. "Since Harry's not with you, I assume he must be somewhere safe?" No matter what, Sirius wouldn't have let him go so easily if he weren't safe.

[grimbiker]

Sirius didn't respond to the hand on his arm, no more than shifting his gaze so he was staring down at it as though needing confirmation of the touch. The world had taken on a surreal quality but the pain was too real for this to be a dream.

"Hagrid took him, said it was Dumbledore's orders. He wouldn't let me hold him."

Perhaps if he had things might have turned out differently. The rage inside him might have calmed or else, once he handed Harry back to Hagrid, it would have fueled it. Holding the godson he'd orphaned and then being forced to hand him away might have sent him beyond reason that even Remus couldn't bring him back from.

"I gave them my bike so they could get to wherever they're going faster."

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"Which means Dumbledore is going to be busy until morning." Most likely, at least. "He'll make sure Harry is safe enough for the moment." He rubbed his hand over Sirius' arm. "I'll send him a letter, ask him to come here when he can."

He paused a moment, then added, "You know I have to ask him to bring veritaserum." Nobody else had known Peter was James' and Lily's secret keeper. They needed a way to verify it.

Remus needed to verify it. He didn't want to think that Sirius had been behind it, but he needed to be certain.

[grimbiker]

With his other hand he gripped Remus by his shoulder. "We don't have time for that. Peter could be anywhere by now. We can find him, bring him back here, and then you can use all the veritaserum you want. But Peter can't--"

Sirius stopped suddenly, his eyes widening as he took a step back and out of Remus's reach.

"You don't believe me."

He knew that shouldn't have hurt. After all, how long had he suspected that Remus was capable of the same and with far less reason? Still, it stung in a way he wasn't prepared for. He had to take a deep breath to steady himself.

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Remus looked at him seriously. "You're in my home, Sirius. If I didn't believe you, I would have taken you to the heart of the Order." Even if there was some part of him screaming that he was being a complete idiot.

"It's more that nobody in the Order would take me at my word to back you up." And if that was bitter, just the smallest bit, it was understandable. It had been that way ever since the war had started. "Peter won't go to ground. Not yet. Everybody knows him as James' friend. He'll have to be out and playing the mourning friend. We can use that to our advantage."

[grimbiker]

Sirius didn't draw closer. He didn't know what to make of this. And somehow, now that he had processed it, Remus believing him hurt almost as much because Sirius hadn't had the same faith. And because of his doubt James and Lily were dead.

"He knows I'm coming after him. He's probably run off with his slimy tail between his legs. The longer we argue about it the less chance we have of finding him." Sirius said, the anger rising in his voice.

As much as he loved Remus, him and his damn reason stood between Sirius and revenge. Proving his innocence, that was all well and good but it didn't mean much if Peter was still out there wandering the streets. And if he was capable of selling his friends out to Voldemort who knew what else he would do?

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He stared at Sirius for a moment, realizing that there was no real way to stop Sirius. And while it wasn't the only way to prove Sirius' innocence, it might well be the easiest way. "He can run as far as he wants. I can find him the same way I found you." He should be able to, at least. It was possible that it could be blocked, but Peter would need help for that.

"We can't kill him, Sirius. No matter how much you want to, how much he deserves it? We need him to prove your innocence. Then he can go to Azkaban, just the way he should."

[grimbiker]

"Fuck my innocence! He doesn't deserve Azkaban!" Sirius shouted. "He deserves to die! He deserves to be hunted down and killed just like--" A sob broke free from Sirius's lips. Too late, he covered his mouth and his body shook as he fought back images of his best friends lying still and cold, splayed on the floor of their home.

He pulled his hand away and looked back at Remus. In his eyes were the very depths of despair.

"My God, Remus. They're dead."

And Peter had used him to kill them.

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Watching Sirius like this ached. He'd given up so much, only to have it ripped away.

Remus stepped forward, bringing his hands up to cup Sirius' cheeks. "I know," he said, voice catching at the back of his throat. He hadn't seen it, but he didn't have to. What he saw in his lover's eyes was confirmation enough. "I know they are, Sirius. And Peter...he deserves worse. He deserves so much worse. But I'm not going to lose you too. I'm not letting Voldemort take everything from us."

[grimbiker]

For a second Sirius did little more than stare. Then he brought their lips together in a short, desperate kiss that tasted of the tears he'd shed. He didn't wait to see if Remus would return the kiss. Instead he pressed his face to the other man's shoulder and wept.

"I'm sorry. I should have known."

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He hadn't seen Sirius cry since Regulus had died. It had been all of them that day, James and Lily and even Peter. And now Remus wondered if Peter had been betraying them even then.

He wrapped his arms around Sirius, holding him closer as he wept. "He fooled us all, Sirius. We all thought we could trust him." Which, truly, only made it worse. "You couldn't have known, Sirius. None of us could have."

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"No." Sirius pulled back enough to look into Remus's face. He cupped his cheeks with shaking hands. "You don't understand. I thought--" His voice faltered. When he spoke again his voice was just above a whisper and every word pained him. "I thought it was you."

And if Remus hated him until they both drew their last breaths then he would deserve every moment of it.