31 October , 1981

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He was meant to be going overseas. Meant to be finding allies, looking for ways to subvert the werewolves away from Voldemort. Remus knew that what they were really doing was trying to keep him as separate from the rest of the Order as possible. Knowledge that hurt, certainly, but he could understand. To a point.

That point being the fact that his best friends for years seemed to believe it, too.

He was, however, running late for his ferry. It would attract less attention than magic, but it meant he really did need to be moving. He'd forgotten some books at the Order's main house, which meant he had to run back to get them.

It was why he was there when the news came in about the attack on Godric's Hollow. Everybody was talking and running around at the same time, trying to decide what to do. Remus, on the other hand, ducked into the bathroom and plugged the sink, running water into it as he searched through his pockets. He pulled out a lock of hair, brushing his thumb over it before he took out his wand to do the scrying spell, dropping the lock into the water. Once he had the location, he grabbed up the lock, breaking the spell. Then he apparated.

He arrived in Godric's Hollow, unsurprisingly. Remus looked around, then started as he finally saw who he was looking for. "Sirius!"

Comments

[grimbiker]

Sirius leaned into Remus, drawing comfort from the other man's presence and the heat of his body.

"We'll make him listen." He said firmly. He wasn't about to confess that he had his own doubts. God knew Remus probably had enough of them, he was always the practical one, and he didn't need Sirius feeding into them. He needed to be strong even if his whole world had fallen apart.

He needed to be strong.

He couldn't.

Aware that he was shaking, Sirius pulled away from Remus.

"I'm sorry."

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The shaking was definitely noticed. Enough that when Sirius started to pull away, Remus put his arm around his lover and pulled him closer again. "Don't," he said after a moment. "You don't have to apologize."

Concentrating on Sirius meant he didn't have to concentrate on anything else. Didn't have to think about James and Lily being dead, Harry being orphaned. Didn't have to think about Peter and his betrayal. Just didn't have to think about anything but keeping Sirius together. As long as he had that, he could keep going. And they needed to keep going, at least for the moment. Once they'd talked to Dumbledore, once things were settled one way or the other, he could break down.

[grimbiker]

"I got James and Lily killed." Sirius said quietly, voice trembling as much as his body. "Because I didn't trust you. They're dead. I promised I'd protect them and--" Sirius buried his face in his hands.

He could escape the guilt no more than he could escape the sight of his best friends' corpses. He drew no comfort from the arm around him. Part of him only felt worse because he didn't deserve it. Perhaps he deserved no worse than Peter.

"This is all my fault." His voice broke.

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Remus kissed the back of Sirius' head, because that was what he could reach easily. "No, Padfoot. You didn't get them killed. You did your best to protect them. The choices made that put them in danger weren't yours. Peter could have made so many other decisions that never would have put James and Lily in danger."

As for not trusting him, Remus had come to terms with that. It hurt, yes, but that was his pain to deal with. Pain that he wasn't going to heap on Sirius along with what he already had.

[grimbiker]

Sirius could say nothing. He could do little more than cry. Sobs racked his body.

He should have known that Remus wouldn't care and somehow part of him knew he was speaking the truth. He made the best decision with what he'd known and suspected at the time. None of them had expected Peter to be capable of betraying them.

No, they'd all, except for James, suspected Remus. Was that supposed to excuse what had happened? Because everyone else thought that Remus was selling them out then it was fine for Sirius to believe that too? No, it wasn't. Nothing justified that.

In the end it was his mistake that sent his friends to their deaths. Peter could have chosen differently but the same could be said for Sirius.

He lowered his hands but still couldn't face his lover. "It should have been me. I would have died for them. I thought..."

Sirius was so sure that his life was over. He hadn't been able to admit that to anyone. So often he wondered if the thought crossed James's mind but he was sure that the other man dismissed it. James wouldn't put Sirius in that position if he thought he wouldn't come out of it alive but Sirius had known better. His death was how this was all supposed to end and he had accepted that. He was fine with it, knowing that his sacrifice kept his best friend's family safe.

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This time, it was Remus who shuddered, tightening his arm around Sirius and adding the other one. While he knew and understood what Sirius had done by putting Peter forward as the secret keeper, he hadn't really thought about what it should have meant for Sirius. "All this time, you've just been waiting to die."

Remus wasn't sure how to handle that. Not at all.

[grimbiker]

This time Sirius welcomed the touch. He leaned forward, letting his head rest against his lover's. Threading his fingers through Remus's hair, he closed his eyes.

Waiting to die. That was it, wasn't it? His days in hiding crept by and as each one passed he was surprised that no one had found him yet. Even if the traitor wasn't Remus he knew that Voldemort would stop at nothing to find Harry and to do that he would have to go through Sirius. Or that had been the plan. His stupid, "brilliant" plan.

"Yes. I didn't want to but-- it was supposed to be for them."

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It really wasn't easy for Remus to hear, though he somewhat understood. He would have done the same if it had been asked, expecting every day to be his last.

"I'm sorry you went through all of that alone." Even if he understood it, that didn't mean he couldn't wish Sirius had felt okay to come to somebody.

[grimbiker]

Sirius opened his eyes and moved away. He finally looked at Remus in the eyes again. The madness was further from the surface but there remained something empty inside of him. He may have escaped the war physically whole but a part of him had died when he found his best friends murdered. In so many ways, his own death was preferable.

"I had to. You would have tried to talk me out of it or told James. James never would have..."

The emotions that had ebbed returned. He really was gone. Sirius's best friend, the man he'd known since childhood. His partner in crime and so much more. The one he'd always turned to since they were 11.

"Oh God, Remus." He nearly cried. "Why couldn't it have been me?"

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"I don't know." As much as he didn't want to lose Sirius, he also knew that this would probably come very close to breaking his lover entirely. "I wish I knew, I wish I could go back and find a way to change things so that none of this would happen." He reached out, laying his hand against Sirius' thigh. Only a light touch to let the other man know he was still there.

[grimbiker]

"I'd give anything." Tears ran down Sirius's face as he spoke. He shook as he took a deep breath and almost sobbed. "I'd do anything for them. And now I can't even--" Sirius cut himself off. The look on his face was a mixture of fury and disgust, both of it directed at himself.

What sort of godfather would get his godson's parents killed? And then he hadn't even been able to convince Hagrid to hand Harry to him. Instead he watched them leave and did nothing.

What sort of friend promised to die in his friends' place only to lose them both?

What lover turned his back on the man he loved because he happened to be a werewolf? Remus was right, that was hardly new information. Sirius had known. He hadn't cared. Why suddenly had it mattered?

What kind of person was he?

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Remus moved his hand, reaching out to take Sirius' hand and laced their fingers together. "I know you would, Sirius. And I wish like hell that Peter had been trustworthy."

He squeezed Sirius' hand. "Harry's going to need you still, though. There'll be nobody better to tell him about his parents and how much they loved him. Because you know very well that all James and Lily wanted was for Harry to live." Which didn't make any of this easier and wouldn't for a while, if it ever did. "Sirius. It was a good plan. It made sense. The failure of the plan wasn't you. You were ready to give up everything to protect James and Lily and Harry. They know you loved them so much."

[grimbiker]

"They knew. They're dead now, Remus. Do you even know that?" Sirius snapped. He didn't mean to lash out, at least not at Remus, but he was the only other person in the room. And with his hand entwined with Sirius's, he couldn't exactly get up and start wrecking the room. Not that it would be acceptable to do that anyway.

"It doesn't matter what they thought now. Merlin, it was a terrible plan. I should have known-- don't know why I never saw it..."

Of course the traitor was Peter.

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It wasn't like there was a lot to wreck, either. Remus couldn't afford anything too nice and what he had was because James had helped.

He pulled away, eyes flashing as Remus pushed himself to his feet. "Yes, Sirius. I'm quite aware of the fact that they're dead. And I wish to God I could change that. I suppose I could just leave you to your self-flagellation since you're intent on claiming every mistake made for yourself. Nevermind that James and Lily agreed. Nevermind that you weren't the one who gave them up.

"Nevermind that they were MY FRIENDS, TOO."

Remus didn't lose his temper much. It had never seemed like a good idea around people who knew he was a werewolf, even if it wasn't exactly something that he had a lot of control over. He wasn't going to lose control of himself because he could only change at the full moon. But being the calm, thoughtful one was always his place in the group. Except that now their group was shattered and he wasn't sure how to handle things.

He stepped back, rubbing his hand over his face. He smeared tears away from his eyes, ignoring them. "I don't know what to do, Sirius. I just...I don't know."

[grimbiker]

Usually, during the rare times when Remus lost his temper around or because of him, Sirius did not back down. In the latter case he yelled right back. These were not normal circumstances, however. And when Remus yelled Sirius seemed to cower. He ducked his head for a moment but when he looked up Remus was crying.

Sirius stood and reached out to take his lover's hands again.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I don't know what to do either. I'm so lost without them. I didn't mean to..."

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Remus didn't take Sirius' hands, even though they were offered. Instead, he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Sirius instead. Just quiet for a few moments as he held the other man tightly.

"I know you didn't," he finally said, mouth pressed to Sirius' clavicle. "We're both pretty lost right now. And...and once things are squared away with Dumbledore, if you'd rather be anywhere else, I'll understand."

He'd been preparing himself to lose Sirius for a long time, anyway. Probably since the first time they'd been together, but even more recently. As much as Remus loved Sirius, he wasn't going to hold on to him if he wanted to go.

[grimbiker]

Anywhere he'd rather be? He'd rather be looking for Peter. He'd rather rip his damn throat out. If it weren't for the bond between Sirius and Remus he would be doing just that. But Remus needed him right now, even if he hadn't admitted it. They both needed each other.

Sirius slipped his arms around Remus. "Moony..." He ran his hands over his lover's back then turned to whisper in his ear. "I love you. I want to be with you. I always have."

If Sirius had ever wanted to leave him then he would have. And there were times when he wished he did want that. He wished he didn't love Remus as much as he did. Back when he still thought the man was a traitor he hadn't been able to control his own heart. At the time he cursed it but now he was grateful.

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The muscles at the back of Remus' shoulders loosened and if his sigh sounded a bit like relief, maybe he could be excused that. "I love you, too," he murmured, pulling back to look at Sirius' face. "Always have, always will."

And maybe he sometimes worried too much that someone like him wasn't really good enough for Sirius, but then, Remus sometimes thought that he wasn't good enough to be friends with James, either. James, on the other hand, wouldn't have anything to do with that and would tell Remus so.

He grimaced slightly. "We're going to have to tell Dumbledore about Peter being an Animagus." That wasn't something that was going to stay secret, after all.

[grimbiker]

Sirius was quiet for a moment. A flicker of what looked suspiciously like fear flashed in his eyes. Now that he was calmer he could thinking more clearly about his future and the consequences of his actions.

"Which means he'll have to know about me. Remus, I'm not registered. They'll send me to Azkaban."

Not an hour ago Azkaban wasn't nearly so daunting. He'd been determined to find Peter and kill him. The life sentence that would earn him didn't seem to matter as long as justice was served. And, to an extent, it still didn't. But the more he considered spending time in that place and having the Dementors steal every happy memory he had, every memory of James and Lily save for their dead bodies... Not many things made Sirius afraid but that was terrifying.

But maybe that was what he deserved. Yet that didn't mean Remus deserved to be left alone.

Everything was unraveling so quickly. Their secrets, their lives, and, for Sirius, possibly his freedom.

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"We may have to tell Dumbledore about you being an Animagus. Others will just assume that Voldemort taught Peter." Remus took hold of Sirius. "That is, of course, assuming Dumbledore doesn't already know. He tends to know more than he lets on in the first place."

That, at least, was something that Remus could appreciate. And the headmaster had never been very overt in saying whether or not he trusted Remus, but he had been sent to try to bring the werewolves onside. So the man at least trusted him not to just join up.

"I'm not letting you go, Sirius. We'll run if we have to." Which wouldn't be easy, no, but no way was he letting Sirius go to prison for trying to keep him sane.

[grimbiker]

Sirius laid his hand on Remus's cheek.

Remus really did mean that. He was willing to put himself at risk, to go to Azkaban if they were caught, just as long as Sirius had his freedom. How could Sirius have suspected Remus capable of betraying them?

"Someone will have to be there for Harry." He said. He pressed his forehead to his lover's. "We'll get through this. We'll find Peter and then..." Beyond that the future was unclear. How they-- how he could navigate a world without James he didn't know.

"I won't leave you." He'd have to find his way.

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Tilting his head into Sirius' hand was the easiest thing in the world. Remus closed his eyes, turning his head to press his lips to the heel of Sirius' hand.

"Yeah, I know." Which didn't mean for one moment that he wouldn't run if he had to. He managed a small smile. It didn't reach his eyes, but it was real enough. "Worst comes to worst, we stay here. Hardly anybody ever comes out this far and...well, I wouldn't be the first person out this way to have a big dog."

Hiding in plain sight was useful. And nobody would ever suspect a dog.

[grimbiker]

"I'll live with the fleas." In spite of the horrors of tonight, there was the ghost of a smile on Sirius's lips.

"We'll get through this." Sirius leaned in to kiss Remus. "Together." And then their lips met.

I trust you. I'll never doubt you again. I love you. Words that Sirius didn't have to utter as long as they were kissing. And yet still something he hoped to convey. Sirius didn't know which one of them he was trying to convince.

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It felt good. Remus moved closer, tightening his arms around Sirius and tilting his head. I love you. I forgive you. His answer to Sirius' unvoiced words. Because there was very little that he wouldn't forgive Sirius for. Had he actually been behind James and Lily's deaths, that would probably have done it. But he loved and trusted Sirius, so he believed him when he said that it had been Peter.

Though he wouldn't have entirely denied that the veritaserum would help, if for no other reason to know his gut was right. It normally was, but it was good to have back up.

He pulled back, pressing his forehead to Sirius'. Breathing the same air back and forth and letting it settle him. "We will. Absolutely."

[grimbiker]

For too long Sirius thought that he'd never feel Remus's lips on his own or his arms wrap around him. He didn't know what would happen next. He didn't know if he'd be taken into custody, convicted, and sentenced to Azkaban. He didn't know if they would find Peter or not. But for now Remus was holding him and, while everything was far from right and Sirius's soul was still breaking, at least he had his lover. And he could almost believe his own promise.

Sirius's eyes remained closed. He wasn't haunted by images of his friends' bodies. Instead, he imagined things as they used to be. Before doubts had festered in his mind, back when all of them had been happy. It hurt almost as much. When had they lost that carefree innocence?

"I love you, Remus." He said for not the first time that day and, if he had anything to do with it, not for the last either. "Whatever happens."