31 October , 1981

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He was meant to be going overseas. Meant to be finding allies, looking for ways to subvert the werewolves away from Voldemort. Remus knew that what they were really doing was trying to keep him as separate from the rest of the Order as possible. Knowledge that hurt, certainly, but he could understand. To a point.

That point being the fact that his best friends for years seemed to believe it, too.

He was, however, running late for his ferry. It would attract less attention than magic, but it meant he really did need to be moving. He'd forgotten some books at the Order's main house, which meant he had to run back to get them.

It was why he was there when the news came in about the attack on Godric's Hollow. Everybody was talking and running around at the same time, trying to decide what to do. Remus, on the other hand, ducked into the bathroom and plugged the sink, running water into it as he searched through his pockets. He pulled out a lock of hair, brushing his thumb over it before he took out his wand to do the scrying spell, dropping the lock into the water. Once he had the location, he grabbed up the lock, breaking the spell. Then he apparated.

He arrived in Godric's Hollow, unsurprisingly. Remus looked around, then started as he finally saw who he was looking for. "Sirius!"

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"War makes people think things they never would have thought before." Remus reached up, placing his hand over Sirius'. "I'm not going to say that it doesn't hurt. Because it's not like me being a werewolf was new information to you guys." And he knew that was all most people had based their distrust on.

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"It wasn't just that." But Sirius couldn't say that it hadn't been a factor.

He knew it had taken time to root out the last of his prejudices, longer than he liked to admit to anyone, but he took pride that he had escaped his parents' influence. At least, he thought he had. When the war started old wounds began to surface, not about Muggles and Muggleborns but much closer to home. Suspicion arose about the man who lay in bed next to him.

If he had the time and focus to examine his doubts he would have realized that here too Peter had played a part. Not all of it, the role he played wasn't nearly so large, but there were slight comments. Questions about where Remus was a particular night, a small frown here and there, nothing noticeable by itself but together with his own inner fears...

But Sirius didn't have the time for that and even if he did it was his responsibility. His failing. He could blame Peter for many things but not for this.

Every other reason had been so small though so inconsequential alone that he couldn't possibly explain it to Remus. And so he shook his head.

"I knew better but I thought I couldn't risk..." Couldn't risk the lives of his best friends and godson just because he wanted to believe that his lover wasn't a traitor.

"And I..."

He good as killed them.

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"And I should have actually called you out on it before now," Remus told him softly. "Called all of you out on it. Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have. But I should have said something, too."

He leaned in, pressing a light kiss to Sirius' mouth before pulling away. "I'm going to send that note to Dumbledore, then I'm going to make some tea. Once that's done, once we've talked it over with Dumbledore and everything's...and we're settled, then we'll start looking for Peter."

[grimbiker]

Sirius pulled away only to take hold of Remus's hand. He squeezed it lightly and did not release him.

"Remus..." There was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to ask for forgiveness. At the same time he would scorn any offer. He wanted reassurance and hatred. What he needed and what he deserved. Nothing he could say would cover the depths of his emotions.

Sirius let go of his lover's hand. "Can I have my wand back now?" He asked lightly. He felt naked without it but that wasn't the only reason he asked.

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The fire was going well now, the stove heated. Remus just needed to fill the kettle to put it on to boil.

He didn't move away from Sirius, though. He looked at Sirius seriously, considering. "Are you going to use it to dash straight off after Peter again?"

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Sirius laughed mirthlessly. "What do you think I am? Mad?"

Not the best question to ask after his display earlier when Remus had just found him. Nor was it good to ask when he had that light in his eye. It belied the dryness of his tone and spoke too clearly of his own mental state. He could feign calmness, cling to what he had of his sanity, but beneath it all his mind crumbled.

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"At the moment, Padfoot, I'm not sure that's the best question to ask of me." Because he didn't like the look in Sirius' eyes. It worried him. Worried him more than he already was. "I'll give it to you if you swear to me that you'll stay here with me."

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Sirius hesitated. He wasn't sure what he planned on doing the moment Remus handed over the wand and turned his back. He guessed that he was going to do just what the man feared. But to do that he would have to lie to Remus.

He'd broken enough promises.

"I swear. I won't leave you."

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Remus kept eye contact with Sirius for a few more moments, searching his face for something. Whatever he was looking for, he found it, because he reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out the other man's wand, handing it over. "All right," he said quietly. "Thank you."

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Sirius took his wand and stowed it away.

"It's the least I can do." Now he just had to resist temptation to hunt the rat down. And avoid being sent to Azkaban.

One step at a time.

Sirius paused. He should let him go contact Dumbledore and make the tea since he was so set on it. But through the pain another emotion cut through.

"I missed you." It had scarcely been a week since they parted but Sirius had felt every minute.

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He paused, then turned and took Sirius' hand. "I've missed you, too." They'd both been distant, even before they'd parted the week before. "It's a good thing I forgot my books. I was meant to be going to France tonight."

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"Lucky for me you can't be parted from your books." He didn't know how true that statement was.

After a moment he let go of Remus. "You'd better hurry."

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Remus leaned in, kissing Sirius lightly. "It won't take me long to send Dumbledore a letter. And I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he can be."

Hopefully, Dumbledore would be willing to hear Sirius out first. The headmaster always had before, but things had never been quite so desperate before, either. "I'd say to get some rest, but I doubt either of us will for some time."

[grimbiker]

Sirius closed his eyes, intent on savoring the lingering feeling of Remus's lips against his own. Remus was right. Who knew what would happen once Dumbledore arrived. Sirius could very well end up being sent to Azkaban. And even if he wasn't he would have precious little time to himself. He'd be too busy reliving his mistakes, even without the Dementors.

But the moment he closed his eyes he saw James's still ones gazing back at him. He started so violently he nearly jumped back.

"No," he said softly, voice trembling. "I don't think we will."

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At least Remus had been spared that. He watched Sirius for a moment before nodding, rubbing his hands over his eyes before he went to his desk. He had to shift some scrolls to find a Muggle notebook and a fountain pen. So much easier to deal with than quills. He dashed off a quick note, telling Dumbledore that he'd heard about James and Lily already and how he might have someone with information, but he wanted Dumbledore there first and to bring a dose of veritaserum with him. Once that was done, he sealed it with wax and left long enough to find his owl. A gift from James, since otherwise Remus would never have been able to buy his own. He sent the owl on her way with the note and returned to the small house. "Now we wait."

[grimbiker]

In the short time Remus was gone Sirius had deteriorated. In fact, the moment he left Sirius sagged. He sank onto the couch and pressed his face to his hands. Now that he was alone it was impossible to focus on anything else but his loss, their loss, the world's loss. Because James and Lily had been two of the best people he'd ever known. James had been there for him since he met and Lily had always tried to make him a better person. Too often he felt that he failed her but she never stopped trying. Now they were both gone.

His fault.

The still, listless eyes that watched him when he closed his eyes seemed somehow accusing. And though their lips could not move in death they somehow seemed to form words of blame. Those images were soon replaced by the sight of his godson crying as Hagrid soothed him. And soon they were gone too, flying off on his motorcycle to God knew where.

And then there was Peter, laughing at him. It was fortunate that Remus came in when he did or else Sirius would have been tempted to disregard his promise.

When he looked up his eyes were red from crying. He wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say."

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Remus crossed to the couch, pulling a blanket from the back of it to wrap around Sirius. Then he sat, putting his arm around Sirius' shoulders. "That's all right. I don't know what to say, either," he admitted. He took a breath and shook his head. "I didn't tell Dumbledore that you were here. Hopefully, he'll trust me enough to let us explain first."

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Sirius leaned into Remus, drawing comfort from the other man's presence and the heat of his body.

"We'll make him listen." He said firmly. He wasn't about to confess that he had his own doubts. God knew Remus probably had enough of them, he was always the practical one, and he didn't need Sirius feeding into them. He needed to be strong even if his whole world had fallen apart.

He needed to be strong.

He couldn't.

Aware that he was shaking, Sirius pulled away from Remus.

"I'm sorry."

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The shaking was definitely noticed. Enough that when Sirius started to pull away, Remus put his arm around his lover and pulled him closer again. "Don't," he said after a moment. "You don't have to apologize."

Concentrating on Sirius meant he didn't have to concentrate on anything else. Didn't have to think about James and Lily being dead, Harry being orphaned. Didn't have to think about Peter and his betrayal. Just didn't have to think about anything but keeping Sirius together. As long as he had that, he could keep going. And they needed to keep going, at least for the moment. Once they'd talked to Dumbledore, once things were settled one way or the other, he could break down.

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"I got James and Lily killed." Sirius said quietly, voice trembling as much as his body. "Because I didn't trust you. They're dead. I promised I'd protect them and--" Sirius buried his face in his hands.

He could escape the guilt no more than he could escape the sight of his best friends' corpses. He drew no comfort from the arm around him. Part of him only felt worse because he didn't deserve it. Perhaps he deserved no worse than Peter.

"This is all my fault." His voice broke.

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Remus kissed the back of Sirius' head, because that was what he could reach easily. "No, Padfoot. You didn't get them killed. You did your best to protect them. The choices made that put them in danger weren't yours. Peter could have made so many other decisions that never would have put James and Lily in danger."

As for not trusting him, Remus had come to terms with that. It hurt, yes, but that was his pain to deal with. Pain that he wasn't going to heap on Sirius along with what he already had.

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Sirius could say nothing. He could do little more than cry. Sobs racked his body.

He should have known that Remus wouldn't care and somehow part of him knew he was speaking the truth. He made the best decision with what he'd known and suspected at the time. None of them had expected Peter to be capable of betraying them.

No, they'd all, except for James, suspected Remus. Was that supposed to excuse what had happened? Because everyone else thought that Remus was selling them out then it was fine for Sirius to believe that too? No, it wasn't. Nothing justified that.

In the end it was his mistake that sent his friends to their deaths. Peter could have chosen differently but the same could be said for Sirius.

He lowered his hands but still couldn't face his lover. "It should have been me. I would have died for them. I thought..."

Sirius was so sure that his life was over. He hadn't been able to admit that to anyone. So often he wondered if the thought crossed James's mind but he was sure that the other man dismissed it. James wouldn't put Sirius in that position if he thought he wouldn't come out of it alive but Sirius had known better. His death was how this was all supposed to end and he had accepted that. He was fine with it, knowing that his sacrifice kept his best friend's family safe.

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This time, it was Remus who shuddered, tightening his arm around Sirius and adding the other one. While he knew and understood what Sirius had done by putting Peter forward as the secret keeper, he hadn't really thought about what it should have meant for Sirius. "All this time, you've just been waiting to die."

Remus wasn't sure how to handle that. Not at all.

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This time Sirius welcomed the touch. He leaned forward, letting his head rest against his lover's. Threading his fingers through Remus's hair, he closed his eyes.

Waiting to die. That was it, wasn't it? His days in hiding crept by and as each one passed he was surprised that no one had found him yet. Even if the traitor wasn't Remus he knew that Voldemort would stop at nothing to find Harry and to do that he would have to go through Sirius. Or that had been the plan. His stupid, "brilliant" plan.

"Yes. I didn't want to but-- it was supposed to be for them."

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It really wasn't easy for Remus to hear, though he somewhat understood. He would have done the same if it had been asked, expecting every day to be his last.

"I'm sorry you went through all of that alone." Even if he understood it, that didn't mean he couldn't wish Sirius had felt okay to come to somebody.