31 October , 1981

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He was meant to be going overseas. Meant to be finding allies, looking for ways to subvert the werewolves away from Voldemort. Remus knew that what they were really doing was trying to keep him as separate from the rest of the Order as possible. Knowledge that hurt, certainly, but he could understand. To a point.

That point being the fact that his best friends for years seemed to believe it, too.

He was, however, running late for his ferry. It would attract less attention than magic, but it meant he really did need to be moving. He'd forgotten some books at the Order's main house, which meant he had to run back to get them.

It was why he was there when the news came in about the attack on Godric's Hollow. Everybody was talking and running around at the same time, trying to decide what to do. Remus, on the other hand, ducked into the bathroom and plugged the sink, running water into it as he searched through his pockets. He pulled out a lock of hair, brushing his thumb over it before he took out his wand to do the scrying spell, dropping the lock into the water. Once he had the location, he grabbed up the lock, breaking the spell. Then he apparated.

He arrived in Godric's Hollow, unsurprisingly. Remus looked around, then started as he finally saw who he was looking for. "Sirius!"

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Remus wouldn't have allowed them to act as though nothing had happened. Because it obviously had and they needed to deal with it.

He just had to keep Sirius calm and focused enough to realize what that was.

"We will," he promised., reaching out to place his hand on Sirius' arm. "I swear, we will. But we need you to be cleared first. And that means we need to go to Dumbledore." He took out his wand, pointing it at the potbelly stove to start the fire inside it. "Since Harry's not with you, I assume he must be somewhere safe?" No matter what, Sirius wouldn't have let him go so easily if he weren't safe.

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Sirius didn't respond to the hand on his arm, no more than shifting his gaze so he was staring down at it as though needing confirmation of the touch. The world had taken on a surreal quality but the pain was too real for this to be a dream.

"Hagrid took him, said it was Dumbledore's orders. He wouldn't let me hold him."

Perhaps if he had things might have turned out differently. The rage inside him might have calmed or else, once he handed Harry back to Hagrid, it would have fueled it. Holding the godson he'd orphaned and then being forced to hand him away might have sent him beyond reason that even Remus couldn't bring him back from.

"I gave them my bike so they could get to wherever they're going faster."

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"Which means Dumbledore is going to be busy until morning." Most likely, at least. "He'll make sure Harry is safe enough for the moment." He rubbed his hand over Sirius' arm. "I'll send him a letter, ask him to come here when he can."

He paused a moment, then added, "You know I have to ask him to bring veritaserum." Nobody else had known Peter was James' and Lily's secret keeper. They needed a way to verify it.

Remus needed to verify it. He didn't want to think that Sirius had been behind it, but he needed to be certain.

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With his other hand he gripped Remus by his shoulder. "We don't have time for that. Peter could be anywhere by now. We can find him, bring him back here, and then you can use all the veritaserum you want. But Peter can't--"

Sirius stopped suddenly, his eyes widening as he took a step back and out of Remus's reach.

"You don't believe me."

He knew that shouldn't have hurt. After all, how long had he suspected that Remus was capable of the same and with far less reason? Still, it stung in a way he wasn't prepared for. He had to take a deep breath to steady himself.

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Remus looked at him seriously. "You're in my home, Sirius. If I didn't believe you, I would have taken you to the heart of the Order." Even if there was some part of him screaming that he was being a complete idiot.

"It's more that nobody in the Order would take me at my word to back you up." And if that was bitter, just the smallest bit, it was understandable. It had been that way ever since the war had started. "Peter won't go to ground. Not yet. Everybody knows him as James' friend. He'll have to be out and playing the mourning friend. We can use that to our advantage."

[grimbiker]

Sirius didn't draw closer. He didn't know what to make of this. And somehow, now that he had processed it, Remus believing him hurt almost as much because Sirius hadn't had the same faith. And because of his doubt James and Lily were dead.

"He knows I'm coming after him. He's probably run off with his slimy tail between his legs. The longer we argue about it the less chance we have of finding him." Sirius said, the anger rising in his voice.

As much as he loved Remus, him and his damn reason stood between Sirius and revenge. Proving his innocence, that was all well and good but it didn't mean much if Peter was still out there wandering the streets. And if he was capable of selling his friends out to Voldemort who knew what else he would do?

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He stared at Sirius for a moment, realizing that there was no real way to stop Sirius. And while it wasn't the only way to prove Sirius' innocence, it might well be the easiest way. "He can run as far as he wants. I can find him the same way I found you." He should be able to, at least. It was possible that it could be blocked, but Peter would need help for that.

"We can't kill him, Sirius. No matter how much you want to, how much he deserves it? We need him to prove your innocence. Then he can go to Azkaban, just the way he should."

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"Fuck my innocence! He doesn't deserve Azkaban!" Sirius shouted. "He deserves to die! He deserves to be hunted down and killed just like--" A sob broke free from Sirius's lips. Too late, he covered his mouth and his body shook as he fought back images of his best friends lying still and cold, splayed on the floor of their home.

He pulled his hand away and looked back at Remus. In his eyes were the very depths of despair.

"My God, Remus. They're dead."

And Peter had used him to kill them.

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Watching Sirius like this ached. He'd given up so much, only to have it ripped away.

Remus stepped forward, bringing his hands up to cup Sirius' cheeks. "I know," he said, voice catching at the back of his throat. He hadn't seen it, but he didn't have to. What he saw in his lover's eyes was confirmation enough. "I know they are, Sirius. And Peter...he deserves worse. He deserves so much worse. But I'm not going to lose you too. I'm not letting Voldemort take everything from us."

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For a second Sirius did little more than stare. Then he brought their lips together in a short, desperate kiss that tasted of the tears he'd shed. He didn't wait to see if Remus would return the kiss. Instead he pressed his face to the other man's shoulder and wept.

"I'm sorry. I should have known."

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He hadn't seen Sirius cry since Regulus had died. It had been all of them that day, James and Lily and even Peter. And now Remus wondered if Peter had been betraying them even then.

He wrapped his arms around Sirius, holding him closer as he wept. "He fooled us all, Sirius. We all thought we could trust him." Which, truly, only made it worse. "You couldn't have known, Sirius. None of us could have."

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"No." Sirius pulled back enough to look into Remus's face. He cupped his cheeks with shaking hands. "You don't understand. I thought--" His voice faltered. When he spoke again his voice was just above a whisper and every word pained him. "I thought it was you."

And if Remus hated him until they both drew their last breaths then he would deserve every moment of it.

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Oh.

Remus went quiet for a few moments, trying to decide how to handle this. It wasn't as though he hadn't known. Suspected, at least. Which didn't make it hurt less to hear it actually said. To know that Sirius had been with him these past months and had thought the entire time that he was a traitor.

Finally, he turned his head and pressed his lips to Sirius' palm. "Everybody thought it," he said softly. "It's not exactly news, Padfoot."

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Without thinking, Sirius ran his thumb over Remus's lips. It was a familiar gesture but it brought no comfort. Still, he didn't withdraw.

"Remus, I love you. I should have known you could never..." He had hoped, prayed to whatever god might exist that Remus wasn't a traitor but he hadn't truly believed until he arrived at Godric's Hollow. When the truth hit him it had been a blow that nearly forced him to his knees. And now it threatened to do so again.

"It's my fault."

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"War makes people think things they never would have thought before." Remus reached up, placing his hand over Sirius'. "I'm not going to say that it doesn't hurt. Because it's not like me being a werewolf was new information to you guys." And he knew that was all most people had based their distrust on.

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"It wasn't just that." But Sirius couldn't say that it hadn't been a factor.

He knew it had taken time to root out the last of his prejudices, longer than he liked to admit to anyone, but he took pride that he had escaped his parents' influence. At least, he thought he had. When the war started old wounds began to surface, not about Muggles and Muggleborns but much closer to home. Suspicion arose about the man who lay in bed next to him.

If he had the time and focus to examine his doubts he would have realized that here too Peter had played a part. Not all of it, the role he played wasn't nearly so large, but there were slight comments. Questions about where Remus was a particular night, a small frown here and there, nothing noticeable by itself but together with his own inner fears...

But Sirius didn't have the time for that and even if he did it was his responsibility. His failing. He could blame Peter for many things but not for this.

Every other reason had been so small though so inconsequential alone that he couldn't possibly explain it to Remus. And so he shook his head.

"I knew better but I thought I couldn't risk..." Couldn't risk the lives of his best friends and godson just because he wanted to believe that his lover wasn't a traitor.

"And I..."

He good as killed them.

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"And I should have actually called you out on it before now," Remus told him softly. "Called all of you out on it. Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have. But I should have said something, too."

He leaned in, pressing a light kiss to Sirius' mouth before pulling away. "I'm going to send that note to Dumbledore, then I'm going to make some tea. Once that's done, once we've talked it over with Dumbledore and everything's...and we're settled, then we'll start looking for Peter."

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Sirius pulled away only to take hold of Remus's hand. He squeezed it lightly and did not release him.

"Remus..." There was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to ask for forgiveness. At the same time he would scorn any offer. He wanted reassurance and hatred. What he needed and what he deserved. Nothing he could say would cover the depths of his emotions.

Sirius let go of his lover's hand. "Can I have my wand back now?" He asked lightly. He felt naked without it but that wasn't the only reason he asked.

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The fire was going well now, the stove heated. Remus just needed to fill the kettle to put it on to boil.

He didn't move away from Sirius, though. He looked at Sirius seriously, considering. "Are you going to use it to dash straight off after Peter again?"

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Sirius laughed mirthlessly. "What do you think I am? Mad?"

Not the best question to ask after his display earlier when Remus had just found him. Nor was it good to ask when he had that light in his eye. It belied the dryness of his tone and spoke too clearly of his own mental state. He could feign calmness, cling to what he had of his sanity, but beneath it all his mind crumbled.

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"At the moment, Padfoot, I'm not sure that's the best question to ask of me." Because he didn't like the look in Sirius' eyes. It worried him. Worried him more than he already was. "I'll give it to you if you swear to me that you'll stay here with me."

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Sirius hesitated. He wasn't sure what he planned on doing the moment Remus handed over the wand and turned his back. He guessed that he was going to do just what the man feared. But to do that he would have to lie to Remus.

He'd broken enough promises.

"I swear. I won't leave you."

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Remus kept eye contact with Sirius for a few more moments, searching his face for something. Whatever he was looking for, he found it, because he reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out the other man's wand, handing it over. "All right," he said quietly. "Thank you."

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Sirius took his wand and stowed it away.

"It's the least I can do." Now he just had to resist temptation to hunt the rat down. And avoid being sent to Azkaban.

One step at a time.

Sirius paused. He should let him go contact Dumbledore and make the tea since he was so set on it. But through the pain another emotion cut through.

"I missed you." It had scarcely been a week since they parted but Sirius had felt every minute.

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He paused, then turned and took Sirius' hand. "I've missed you, too." They'd both been distant, even before they'd parted the week before. "It's a good thing I forgot my books. I was meant to be going to France tonight."