thewholeofthemoon | 31 October , 1981

31 October , 1981

He was meant to be going overseas. Meant to be finding allies, looking for ways to subvert the werewolves away from Voldemort. Remus knew that what they were really doing was trying to keep him as separate from the rest of the Order as possible. Knowledge that hurt, certainly, but he could understand. To a point.

That point being the fact that his best friends for years seemed to believe it, too.

He was, however, running late for his ferry. It would attract less attention than magic, but it meant he really did need to be moving. He'd forgotten some books at the Order's main house, which meant he had to run back to get them.

It was why he was there when the news came in about the attack on Godric's Hollow. Everybody was talking and running around at the same time, trying to decide what to do. Remus, on the other hand, ducked into the bathroom and plugged the sink, running water into it as he searched through his pockets. He pulled out a lock of hair, brushing his thumb over it before he took out his wand to do the scrying spell, dropping the lock into the water. Once he had the location, he grabbed up the lock, breaking the spell. Then he apparated.

He arrived in Godric's Hollow, unsurprisingly. Remus looked around, then started as he finally saw who he was looking for. "Sirius!"

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"Fuck my innocence! He doesn't deserve Azkaban!" Sirius shouted. "He deserves to die! He deserves to be hunted down and killed just like--" A sob broke free from Sirius's lips. Too late, he covered his mouth and his body shook as he fought back images of his best friends lying still and cold, splayed on the floor of their home.

He pulled his hand away and looked back at Remus. In his eyes were the very depths of despair.

"My God, Remus. They're dead."

And Peter had used him to kill them.

Watching Sirius like this ached. He'd given up so much, only to have it ripped away.

Remus stepped forward, bringing his hands up to cup Sirius' cheeks. "I know," he said, voice catching at the back of his throat. He hadn't seen it, but he didn't have to. What he saw in his lover's eyes was confirmation enough. "I know they are, Sirius. And Peter...he deserves worse. He deserves so much worse. But I'm not going to lose you too. I'm not letting Voldemort take everything from us."

For a second Sirius did little more than stare. Then he brought their lips together in a short, desperate kiss that tasted of the tears he'd shed. He didn't wait to see if Remus would return the kiss. Instead he pressed his face to the other man's shoulder and wept.

"I'm sorry. I should have known."

He hadn't seen Sirius cry since Regulus had died. It had been all of them that day, James and Lily and even Peter. And now Remus wondered if Peter had been betraying them even then.

He wrapped his arms around Sirius, holding him closer as he wept. "He fooled us all, Sirius. We all thought we could trust him." Which, truly, only made it worse. "You couldn't have known, Sirius. None of us could have."

"No." Sirius pulled back enough to look into Remus's face. He cupped his cheeks with shaking hands. "You don't understand. I thought--" His voice faltered. When he spoke again his voice was just above a whisper and every word pained him. "I thought it was you."

And if Remus hated him until they both drew their last breaths then he would deserve every moment of it.

Oh.

Remus went quiet for a few moments, trying to decide how to handle this. It wasn't as though he hadn't known. Suspected, at least. Which didn't make it hurt less to hear it actually said. To know that Sirius had been with him these past months and had thought the entire time that he was a traitor.

Finally, he turned his head and pressed his lips to Sirius' palm. "Everybody thought it," he said softly. "It's not exactly news, Padfoot."

Without thinking, Sirius ran his thumb over Remus's lips. It was a familiar gesture but it brought no comfort. Still, he didn't withdraw.

"Remus, I love you. I should have known you could never..." He had hoped, prayed to whatever god might exist that Remus wasn't a traitor but he hadn't truly believed until he arrived at Godric's Hollow. When the truth hit him it had been a blow that nearly forced him to his knees. And now it threatened to do so again.

"It's my fault."

"War makes people think things they never would have thought before." Remus reached up, placing his hand over Sirius'. "I'm not going to say that it doesn't hurt. Because it's not like me being a werewolf was new information to you guys." And he knew that was all most people had based their distrust on.

"It wasn't just that." But Sirius couldn't say that it hadn't been a factor.

He knew it had taken time to root out the last of his prejudices, longer than he liked to admit to anyone, but he took pride that he had escaped his parents' influence. At least, he thought he had. When the war started old wounds began to surface, not about Muggles and Muggleborns but much closer to home. Suspicion arose about the man who lay in bed next to him.

If he had the time and focus to examine his doubts he would have realized that here too Peter had played a part. Not all of it, the role he played wasn't nearly so large, but there were slight comments. Questions about where Remus was a particular night, a small frown here and there, nothing noticeable by itself but together with his own inner fears...

But Sirius didn't have the time for that and even if he did it was his responsibility. His failing. He could blame Peter for many things but not for this.

Every other reason had been so small though so inconsequential alone that he couldn't possibly explain it to Remus. And so he shook his head.

"I knew better but I thought I couldn't risk..." Couldn't risk the lives of his best friends and godson just because he wanted to believe that his lover wasn't a traitor.

"And I..."

He good as killed them.

"And I should have actually called you out on it before now," Remus told him softly. "Called all of you out on it. Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have. But I should have said something, too."

He leaned in, pressing a light kiss to Sirius' mouth before pulling away. "I'm going to send that note to Dumbledore, then I'm going to make some tea. Once that's done, once we've talked it over with Dumbledore and everything's...and we're settled, then we'll start looking for Peter."

Sirius pulled away only to take hold of Remus's hand. He squeezed it lightly and did not release him.

"Remus..." There was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to ask for forgiveness. At the same time he would scorn any offer. He wanted reassurance and hatred. What he needed and what he deserved. Nothing he could say would cover the depths of his emotions.

Sirius let go of his lover's hand. "Can I have my wand back now?" He asked lightly. He felt naked without it but that wasn't the only reason he asked.

The fire was going well now, the stove heated. Remus just needed to fill the kettle to put it on to boil.

He didn't move away from Sirius, though. He looked at Sirius seriously, considering. "Are you going to use it to dash straight off after Peter again?"

Sirius laughed mirthlessly. "What do you think I am? Mad?"

Not the best question to ask after his display earlier when Remus had just found him. Nor was it good to ask when he had that light in his eye. It belied the dryness of his tone and spoke too clearly of his own mental state. He could feign calmness, cling to what he had of his sanity, but beneath it all his mind crumbled.

"At the moment, Padfoot, I'm not sure that's the best question to ask of me." Because he didn't like the look in Sirius' eyes. It worried him. Worried him more than he already was. "I'll give it to you if you swear to me that you'll stay here with me."

Edited 2012-12-04 23:15 (UTC)

Sirius hesitated. He wasn't sure what he planned on doing the moment Remus handed over the wand and turned his back. He guessed that he was going to do just what the man feared. But to do that he would have to lie to Remus.

He'd broken enough promises.

"I swear. I won't leave you."

Remus kept eye contact with Sirius for a few more moments, searching his face for something. Whatever he was looking for, he found it, because he reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out the other man's wand, handing it over. "All right," he said quietly. "Thank you."

Sirius took his wand and stowed it away.

"It's the least I can do." Now he just had to resist temptation to hunt the rat down. And avoid being sent to Azkaban.

One step at a time.

Sirius paused. He should let him go contact Dumbledore and make the tea since he was so set on it. But through the pain another emotion cut through.

"I missed you." It had scarcely been a week since they parted but Sirius had felt every minute.

He paused, then turned and took Sirius' hand. "I've missed you, too." They'd both been distant, even before they'd parted the week before. "It's a good thing I forgot my books. I was meant to be going to France tonight."

Edited 2012-12-05 11:33 (UTC)

"Lucky for me you can't be parted from your books." He didn't know how true that statement was.

After a moment he let go of Remus. "You'd better hurry."

Remus leaned in, kissing Sirius lightly. "It won't take me long to send Dumbledore a letter. And I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he can be."

Hopefully, Dumbledore would be willing to hear Sirius out first. The headmaster always had before, but things had never been quite so desperate before, either. "I'd say to get some rest, but I doubt either of us will for some time."

Sirius closed his eyes, intent on savoring the lingering feeling of Remus's lips against his own. Remus was right. Who knew what would happen once Dumbledore arrived. Sirius could very well end up being sent to Azkaban. And even if he wasn't he would have precious little time to himself. He'd be too busy reliving his mistakes, even without the Dementors.

But the moment he closed his eyes he saw James's still ones gazing back at him. He started so violently he nearly jumped back.

"No," he said softly, voice trembling. "I don't think we will."

At least Remus had been spared that. He watched Sirius for a moment before nodding, rubbing his hands over his eyes before he went to his desk. He had to shift some scrolls to find a Muggle notebook and a fountain pen. So much easier to deal with than quills. He dashed off a quick note, telling Dumbledore that he'd heard about James and Lily already and how he might have someone with information, but he wanted Dumbledore there first and to bring a dose of veritaserum with him. Once that was done, he sealed it with wax and left long enough to find his owl. A gift from James, since otherwise Remus would never have been able to buy his own. He sent the owl on her way with the note and returned to the small house. "Now we wait."

In the short time Remus was gone Sirius had deteriorated. In fact, the moment he left Sirius sagged. He sank onto the couch and pressed his face to his hands. Now that he was alone it was impossible to focus on anything else but his loss, their loss, the world's loss. Because James and Lily had been two of the best people he'd ever known. James had been there for him since he met and Lily had always tried to make him a better person. Too often he felt that he failed her but she never stopped trying. Now they were both gone.

His fault.

The still, listless eyes that watched him when he closed his eyes seemed somehow accusing. And though their lips could not move in death they somehow seemed to form words of blame. Those images were soon replaced by the sight of his godson crying as Hagrid soothed him. And soon they were gone too, flying off on his motorcycle to God knew where.

And then there was Peter, laughing at him. It was fortunate that Remus came in when he did or else Sirius would have been tempted to disregard his promise.

When he looked up his eyes were red from crying. He wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say."

Remus crossed to the couch, pulling a blanket from the back of it to wrap around Sirius. Then he sat, putting his arm around Sirius' shoulders. "That's all right. I don't know what to say, either," he admitted. He took a breath and shook his head. "I didn't tell Dumbledore that you were here. Hopefully, he'll trust me enough to let us explain first."

Sirius leaned into Remus, drawing comfort from the other man's presence and the heat of his body.

"We'll make him listen." He said firmly. He wasn't about to confess that he had his own doubts. God knew Remus probably had enough of them, he was always the practical one, and he didn't need Sirius feeding into them. He needed to be strong even if his whole world had fallen apart.

He needed to be strong.

He couldn't.

Aware that he was shaking, Sirius pulled away from Remus.

"I'm sorry."

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