31 October , 1981

[thewholeofthemoon]

He was meant to be going overseas. Meant to be finding allies, looking for ways to subvert the werewolves away from Voldemort. Remus knew that what they were really doing was trying to keep him as separate from the rest of the Order as possible. Knowledge that hurt, certainly, but he could understand. To a point.

That point being the fact that his best friends for years seemed to believe it, too.

He was, however, running late for his ferry. It would attract less attention than magic, but it meant he really did need to be moving. He'd forgotten some books at the Order's main house, which meant he had to run back to get them.

It was why he was there when the news came in about the attack on Godric's Hollow. Everybody was talking and running around at the same time, trying to decide what to do. Remus, on the other hand, ducked into the bathroom and plugged the sink, running water into it as he searched through his pockets. He pulled out a lock of hair, brushing his thumb over it before he took out his wand to do the scrying spell, dropping the lock into the water. Once he had the location, he grabbed up the lock, breaking the spell. Then he apparated.

He arrived in Godric's Hollow, unsurprisingly. Remus looked around, then started as he finally saw who he was looking for. "Sirius!"

Comments

[grimbiker]

Sirius took his wand and stowed it away.

"It's the least I can do." Now he just had to resist temptation to hunt the rat down. And avoid being sent to Azkaban.

One step at a time.

Sirius paused. He should let him go contact Dumbledore and make the tea since he was so set on it. But through the pain another emotion cut through.

"I missed you." It had scarcely been a week since they parted but Sirius had felt every minute.

[thewholeofthemoon]

He paused, then turned and took Sirius' hand. "I've missed you, too." They'd both been distant, even before they'd parted the week before. "It's a good thing I forgot my books. I was meant to be going to France tonight."

[grimbiker]

"Lucky for me you can't be parted from your books." He didn't know how true that statement was.

After a moment he let go of Remus. "You'd better hurry."

[thewholeofthemoon]

Remus leaned in, kissing Sirius lightly. "It won't take me long to send Dumbledore a letter. And I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he can be."

Hopefully, Dumbledore would be willing to hear Sirius out first. The headmaster always had before, but things had never been quite so desperate before, either. "I'd say to get some rest, but I doubt either of us will for some time."

[grimbiker]

Sirius closed his eyes, intent on savoring the lingering feeling of Remus's lips against his own. Remus was right. Who knew what would happen once Dumbledore arrived. Sirius could very well end up being sent to Azkaban. And even if he wasn't he would have precious little time to himself. He'd be too busy reliving his mistakes, even without the Dementors.

But the moment he closed his eyes he saw James's still ones gazing back at him. He started so violently he nearly jumped back.

"No," he said softly, voice trembling. "I don't think we will."

[thewholeofthemoon]

At least Remus had been spared that. He watched Sirius for a moment before nodding, rubbing his hands over his eyes before he went to his desk. He had to shift some scrolls to find a Muggle notebook and a fountain pen. So much easier to deal with than quills. He dashed off a quick note, telling Dumbledore that he'd heard about James and Lily already and how he might have someone with information, but he wanted Dumbledore there first and to bring a dose of veritaserum with him. Once that was done, he sealed it with wax and left long enough to find his owl. A gift from James, since otherwise Remus would never have been able to buy his own. He sent the owl on her way with the note and returned to the small house. "Now we wait."

[grimbiker]

In the short time Remus was gone Sirius had deteriorated. In fact, the moment he left Sirius sagged. He sank onto the couch and pressed his face to his hands. Now that he was alone it was impossible to focus on anything else but his loss, their loss, the world's loss. Because James and Lily had been two of the best people he'd ever known. James had been there for him since he met and Lily had always tried to make him a better person. Too often he felt that he failed her but she never stopped trying. Now they were both gone.

His fault.

The still, listless eyes that watched him when he closed his eyes seemed somehow accusing. And though their lips could not move in death they somehow seemed to form words of blame. Those images were soon replaced by the sight of his godson crying as Hagrid soothed him. And soon they were gone too, flying off on his motorcycle to God knew where.

And then there was Peter, laughing at him. It was fortunate that Remus came in when he did or else Sirius would have been tempted to disregard his promise.

When he looked up his eyes were red from crying. He wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say."

[thewholeofthemoon]

Remus crossed to the couch, pulling a blanket from the back of it to wrap around Sirius. Then he sat, putting his arm around Sirius' shoulders. "That's all right. I don't know what to say, either," he admitted. He took a breath and shook his head. "I didn't tell Dumbledore that you were here. Hopefully, he'll trust me enough to let us explain first."

[grimbiker]

Sirius leaned into Remus, drawing comfort from the other man's presence and the heat of his body.

"We'll make him listen." He said firmly. He wasn't about to confess that he had his own doubts. God knew Remus probably had enough of them, he was always the practical one, and he didn't need Sirius feeding into them. He needed to be strong even if his whole world had fallen apart.

He needed to be strong.

He couldn't.

Aware that he was shaking, Sirius pulled away from Remus.

"I'm sorry."

[thewholeofthemoon]

The shaking was definitely noticed. Enough that when Sirius started to pull away, Remus put his arm around his lover and pulled him closer again. "Don't," he said after a moment. "You don't have to apologize."

Concentrating on Sirius meant he didn't have to concentrate on anything else. Didn't have to think about James and Lily being dead, Harry being orphaned. Didn't have to think about Peter and his betrayal. Just didn't have to think about anything but keeping Sirius together. As long as he had that, he could keep going. And they needed to keep going, at least for the moment. Once they'd talked to Dumbledore, once things were settled one way or the other, he could break down.

[grimbiker]

"I got James and Lily killed." Sirius said quietly, voice trembling as much as his body. "Because I didn't trust you. They're dead. I promised I'd protect them and--" Sirius buried his face in his hands.

He could escape the guilt no more than he could escape the sight of his best friends' corpses. He drew no comfort from the arm around him. Part of him only felt worse because he didn't deserve it. Perhaps he deserved no worse than Peter.

"This is all my fault." His voice broke.

[thewholeofthemoon]

Remus kissed the back of Sirius' head, because that was what he could reach easily. "No, Padfoot. You didn't get them killed. You did your best to protect them. The choices made that put them in danger weren't yours. Peter could have made so many other decisions that never would have put James and Lily in danger."

As for not trusting him, Remus had come to terms with that. It hurt, yes, but that was his pain to deal with. Pain that he wasn't going to heap on Sirius along with what he already had.

[grimbiker]

Sirius could say nothing. He could do little more than cry. Sobs racked his body.

He should have known that Remus wouldn't care and somehow part of him knew he was speaking the truth. He made the best decision with what he'd known and suspected at the time. None of them had expected Peter to be capable of betraying them.

No, they'd all, except for James, suspected Remus. Was that supposed to excuse what had happened? Because everyone else thought that Remus was selling them out then it was fine for Sirius to believe that too? No, it wasn't. Nothing justified that.

In the end it was his mistake that sent his friends to their deaths. Peter could have chosen differently but the same could be said for Sirius.

He lowered his hands but still couldn't face his lover. "It should have been me. I would have died for them. I thought..."

Sirius was so sure that his life was over. He hadn't been able to admit that to anyone. So often he wondered if the thought crossed James's mind but he was sure that the other man dismissed it. James wouldn't put Sirius in that position if he thought he wouldn't come out of it alive but Sirius had known better. His death was how this was all supposed to end and he had accepted that. He was fine with it, knowing that his sacrifice kept his best friend's family safe.

[thewholeofthemoon]

This time, it was Remus who shuddered, tightening his arm around Sirius and adding the other one. While he knew and understood what Sirius had done by putting Peter forward as the secret keeper, he hadn't really thought about what it should have meant for Sirius. "All this time, you've just been waiting to die."

Remus wasn't sure how to handle that. Not at all.

[grimbiker]

This time Sirius welcomed the touch. He leaned forward, letting his head rest against his lover's. Threading his fingers through Remus's hair, he closed his eyes.

Waiting to die. That was it, wasn't it? His days in hiding crept by and as each one passed he was surprised that no one had found him yet. Even if the traitor wasn't Remus he knew that Voldemort would stop at nothing to find Harry and to do that he would have to go through Sirius. Or that had been the plan. His stupid, "brilliant" plan.

"Yes. I didn't want to but-- it was supposed to be for them."

[thewholeofthemoon]

It really wasn't easy for Remus to hear, though he somewhat understood. He would have done the same if it had been asked, expecting every day to be his last.

"I'm sorry you went through all of that alone." Even if he understood it, that didn't mean he couldn't wish Sirius had felt okay to come to somebody.

[grimbiker]

Sirius opened his eyes and moved away. He finally looked at Remus in the eyes again. The madness was further from the surface but there remained something empty inside of him. He may have escaped the war physically whole but a part of him had died when he found his best friends murdered. In so many ways, his own death was preferable.

"I had to. You would have tried to talk me out of it or told James. James never would have..."

The emotions that had ebbed returned. He really was gone. Sirius's best friend, the man he'd known since childhood. His partner in crime and so much more. The one he'd always turned to since they were 11.

"Oh God, Remus." He nearly cried. "Why couldn't it have been me?"

[thewholeofthemoon]

"I don't know." As much as he didn't want to lose Sirius, he also knew that this would probably come very close to breaking his lover entirely. "I wish I knew, I wish I could go back and find a way to change things so that none of this would happen." He reached out, laying his hand against Sirius' thigh. Only a light touch to let the other man know he was still there.

[grimbiker]

"I'd give anything." Tears ran down Sirius's face as he spoke. He shook as he took a deep breath and almost sobbed. "I'd do anything for them. And now I can't even--" Sirius cut himself off. The look on his face was a mixture of fury and disgust, both of it directed at himself.

What sort of godfather would get his godson's parents killed? And then he hadn't even been able to convince Hagrid to hand Harry to him. Instead he watched them leave and did nothing.

What sort of friend promised to die in his friends' place only to lose them both?

What lover turned his back on the man he loved because he happened to be a werewolf? Remus was right, that was hardly new information. Sirius had known. He hadn't cared. Why suddenly had it mattered?

What kind of person was he?

[thewholeofthemoon]

Remus moved his hand, reaching out to take Sirius' hand and laced their fingers together. "I know you would, Sirius. And I wish like hell that Peter had been trustworthy."

He squeezed Sirius' hand. "Harry's going to need you still, though. There'll be nobody better to tell him about his parents and how much they loved him. Because you know very well that all James and Lily wanted was for Harry to live." Which didn't make any of this easier and wouldn't for a while, if it ever did. "Sirius. It was a good plan. It made sense. The failure of the plan wasn't you. You were ready to give up everything to protect James and Lily and Harry. They know you loved them so much."

[grimbiker]

"They knew. They're dead now, Remus. Do you even know that?" Sirius snapped. He didn't mean to lash out, at least not at Remus, but he was the only other person in the room. And with his hand entwined with Sirius's, he couldn't exactly get up and start wrecking the room. Not that it would be acceptable to do that anyway.

"It doesn't matter what they thought now. Merlin, it was a terrible plan. I should have known-- don't know why I never saw it..."

Of course the traitor was Peter.

[thewholeofthemoon]

It wasn't like there was a lot to wreck, either. Remus couldn't afford anything too nice and what he had was because James had helped.

He pulled away, eyes flashing as Remus pushed himself to his feet. "Yes, Sirius. I'm quite aware of the fact that they're dead. And I wish to God I could change that. I suppose I could just leave you to your self-flagellation since you're intent on claiming every mistake made for yourself. Nevermind that James and Lily agreed. Nevermind that you weren't the one who gave them up.

"Nevermind that they were MY FRIENDS, TOO."

Remus didn't lose his temper much. It had never seemed like a good idea around people who knew he was a werewolf, even if it wasn't exactly something that he had a lot of control over. He wasn't going to lose control of himself because he could only change at the full moon. But being the calm, thoughtful one was always his place in the group. Except that now their group was shattered and he wasn't sure how to handle things.

He stepped back, rubbing his hand over his face. He smeared tears away from his eyes, ignoring them. "I don't know what to do, Sirius. I just...I don't know."

[grimbiker]

Usually, during the rare times when Remus lost his temper around or because of him, Sirius did not back down. In the latter case he yelled right back. These were not normal circumstances, however. And when Remus yelled Sirius seemed to cower. He ducked his head for a moment but when he looked up Remus was crying.

Sirius stood and reached out to take his lover's hands again.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I don't know what to do either. I'm so lost without them. I didn't mean to..."

[thewholeofthemoon]

Remus didn't take Sirius' hands, even though they were offered. Instead, he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Sirius instead. Just quiet for a few moments as he held the other man tightly.

"I know you didn't," he finally said, mouth pressed to Sirius' clavicle. "We're both pretty lost right now. And...and once things are squared away with Dumbledore, if you'd rather be anywhere else, I'll understand."

He'd been preparing himself to lose Sirius for a long time, anyway. Probably since the first time they'd been together, but even more recently. As much as Remus loved Sirius, he wasn't going to hold on to him if he wanted to go.

[grimbiker]

Anywhere he'd rather be? He'd rather be looking for Peter. He'd rather rip his damn throat out. If it weren't for the bond between Sirius and Remus he would be doing just that. But Remus needed him right now, even if he hadn't admitted it. They both needed each other.

Sirius slipped his arms around Remus. "Moony..." He ran his hands over his lover's back then turned to whisper in his ear. "I love you. I want to be with you. I always have."

If Sirius had ever wanted to leave him then he would have. And there were times when he wished he did want that. He wished he didn't love Remus as much as he did. Back when he still thought the man was a traitor he hadn't been able to control his own heart. At the time he cursed it but now he was grateful.